New Year’s Eve I spent at my yoga studio chanting, meditating, practicing asana and reflecting on the year passing and the year to come. This year has been one of shifting sands, of letting go. It has
been a year of chaos and disintegration. What am I attached to? Even after so much falling apart, I find myself in a reflexive grip as I anticipate a deeper undoing heading my way.
I have been struggling to stay balanced and sit with those forces and pressures that incite fear. I have been realizing another layer of attachment and trying to let go….attempting surrender again and again.
I have added to my meditation each night a short litany of things I find myself fearful about and reminding myself that none of it is mine. “This work belongs to the Universe. It is a gift to me in this present moment”.
I know there is truth in trusting in this moment and not getting outside of it. I know it. And what a challenge to live completely fully alive in this now. But tomorrow? “Tomorrow belongs to the Universe. I open my hands.” And my small self wonders just what I am doing…it all seems foolish to let tomorrow worry about itself. My small self wants to sit in the illusion of safety, plans and control…which are not truth and won’t actually keep me safe, calm chaos or make anything happen in the way I desire.
At the end of our rituals and practices on New Year’s Eve, our teachers brought out the offerings of fruit and flowers we had brought to share. There were several bouquets, many piles of fruit and we stood in a circle, strangers and friends and picked an item out of the center and gifted it to someone. This was a beautiful ritual of generosity and letting go. I first let my fruit and flowers go into the communal collection and then I selected things I had brought, things I had not brought and gave them away to whoever had empty hands. Someone gifted me a pomegranate, a treat and a gift I had hoped would come to me. Someone gifted me flowers and a willow branch. The Universe gifted it all to us, and we gathered and gave it to each other. My prayer is to let go as gracefully of my own knowing, my sense of security, my vision of what “should” be, my life as I know it now. All those things I easily put a my in front of because I feel attached to them. May I gracefully gift the “my” to a Love larger than me. May I empty and open my hands to receive what I cannot imagine from here.