In the Gap

Sometimes our inner leanings take us to difficult places.  It is extremely challenging to feel led in the exact opposite direction you expected and out beyond where you can imagine.  What am I doing?  Can this be right?  I know that the process of coming clear is not something I arrive at one time.  I move into that space of trust and then I get scared again and move back out.


This is the middle space of our transformation when we have seen something new, or tasted something that so entices and awakens us that we are utterly changed and incapable of doing what we have always done.  But we are new in this place and have not learned the new ways.  There is no going back.  When you have tasted that fruit, you cannot un-know what is now a part of you.

It hurts to struggle against the new vision; it hurts to try to be who we were.  And yet, we are blind and stumbling.  We are in the darkness trying to adjust.

I have been engaged in conversation with good friends around redeeming our shadows and the monstrous forms they take on when our small selves risk surrender and the invitation into more.  Our shadows, of course, are only broken bits of us begging to come back into the circle of our love and compassion.  I have been working with Scarcity.  She and I have been sitting with one another trying to come to terms.  I am feeding her with every kind of sincere generosity I can muster.  I am trying to let go.  I am laughing.

She is very worried about the path I’m walking.  She is very concerned about my survival.  She is wise.  I won’t survive.  This form is morphing into something else that I cannot envision.  What I know is the inner leading that has tasted something wild and sweet is driving me out of all convention.  I am being led by something much larger than myself and It wants all of me without exception.  And I am consumed with this unruly desire to give all of me to It.

Yes to Life.  Yes, even though I am aware I have no idea the particulars of that consent.  I only know the call and it is taking all of me to follow.

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