Where we might begin a story is a moving target. Did it start with a particular moment? And what moments led to that moment? How does one decide where to locate the beginning or tell the story of the journey; the arrival at the next journey? Does one start with the feeling of the new, or the small ending that gave rise to that feeling? Or is there a way to speak at all what we know or who we are as the infinite present moment that is all of existence? I suppose this is the unending quest of the seeker, to place this moment in all moments and yet, to trace the journey and it’s infinite complexity and unfolding. The beginning I am thinking of tonight is a moment that lives in this moment and brought me traveling here instead of someplace else. I was tired. It seems the past 4 years have just been that. This particular weekend, I was spent. I was past my edge and the message that I engaged in was around compassion. I felt like I was a thoughtful student of compassion. I took a small inventory and felt I had it mostly covered. And as I listened to the speaker, I noticed I was thirsty. We had been specifically instructed to take care of our physical needs…even if it meant getting up in the middle of a speaker and I sat there. I looked around and located the hospitality table. I sat there. I checked my watch. I sat there. And when break came, I went on my way to my next workshop. I didn’t get a drink.
And then there was the dream. “She comes home and finds that he has joined the military. He says he needs to take his fitness goals seriously. She is enraged and confused. Will she have to move? Will he have to go to war? Is there any way out of it?” My shoulder was clenched tight for weeks and wouldn’t release. I believe it was threatening me with military action if I couldn’t pay attention to my self compassion. Oh.
It was time. It was a moment of letting go. It was a moment of decision to choose something better and more beautiful. The yes, one of the yeses began there. Yes I hear you. Yes I will care for you. Yes, I will get a drink. I will choose life over death. But it hasn’t stopped. Since then I’ve had to make this a practice. When I said yes to that, over and over, I opened the door to a kind of fantastical chaos that is billowing through my life turning everything over. The in-breaking of Spirit is always disruptive….and profoundly alive. Yes. Yes to Life.